


One big gay family

by We_be_vibing



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Avengers are one big gay family, Because I’m an indecisive bitch, Bi Loki, Bi Spider-Man, Bucky is a Billie Eilish stan, Bucky is a dummy, Father Thor, Gay Bucky Barnes, Hydra is homophobic, Irondad, It’s Stuckony until chapter 22, Lesbian Natasha Romanov, Lesbian Wanda Maximoff, Loki are you ok?, Mr. Jesus, Non-Binary Thor, Pansexual Thor, Parent Tony Stark, Peter Parker is a b a b y, Peter Parker is a trans icon, Run Clint!, SAVE THE WHALES, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony and Steve are sensitive, Trans Peter Parker, Twitter, Wanda is lowkey needy..., bi Sam Wilson, bi steve rogers, dont we all crave death?, gender fluid Loki, pan tony stark, queer Bruce banner, rt, stuckony - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-01
Updated: 2021-02-13
Packaged: 2021-03-02 19:00:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 25
Words: 4,999
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24491659
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/We_be_vibing/pseuds/We_be_vibing
Summary: The avengers are one big gay family
Relationships: Bruce Banner/Thor, James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers, James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers/Tony Stark, Michelle Jones/Shuri, Pepper Potts/Tony Stark, Valkyrie/Carol Danvers, Wanda Maximoff/Natasha Romanov
Comments: 64
Kudos: 368





	1. A big gay family

**Author's Note:**

> Uhh I wrote this at 1 am

that bitch @wutthefrickety  
Dude imagine if all the avengers where one big happy gay family 

Andrea @weareallgay  
And they would have movie nights and big family dinners!<3

Simon @icravedeath  
theory: accepted

iron dad @TStank  
theory: confirmed 

that bitch @wutthefrickety  
....

wAiT wUt?!!!!


	2. An  i c o n

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I ate cold spaghetti while I wrote this :’)

H o p e @Thatsssthetea  
when Spider-Man saves u and compliments your trans shirt and reminds u to bind safely

Hunter @jameshatesme  
wait seriously???!!

H o p e @Thatsssthetea  
ye and now I can die happy

Adora @itscanonbitches  
he is a trans i c o n 

Kate @imadebiscuits  
we stan the best spider boi


	3. The gays need answers!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I haven’t slept in the last 40 hours so I’m only running on energy drinks :D

that bitch @wutthefrickety  
So I uuh @theavengers the gays need to know... what are your sexuality’s and/or pronouns?... and I would love to know who your partner(s) are...

Spidey uwu @spiderboi  
A bi disaster and I’m trans so he/him! And I’m very single...

Iron dad @TStank  
A pan with a plan, he/him! and I’m a whore so I have 2 boyfriends💅

Stevie @americuhsass  
I’m one of them! And I’m bi and go by he/him :)

Bonky @mrjesus  
I’m also dating that whore! And I’m v e r y gay for both of them! I also go by he/him!

ah sataN @deathpacito  
She/her and a big lesbian for @witchybitch I’m also ace!

Wanda @witchybitch  
She/her and a big lesbian for my boo @deathpacito

Sam @thebestbird  
He/him and a sad single bi bitch :’)

Clit @thefirstbird  
A straight disaster! He/him and I’m happily married to my beautiful wife :)

Thor @godofpoptarts  
We don’t have what you midgardians call genders and sexuality’s on Asgard... but I believe I am what you would call a pansexual and non-binary! And I go by they/them! And I’m in a happy relationship with @7phdsbitch

Brucie bear @7phdsbitch  
As Thor said we are dating! I go by he/him and I’m very queer!

Ļ𝕆𝐤𝓲 @snekbastard  
I’m not an avenger but but whatevs... I’m what you would call gender fluid and my pronouns really just depends on my mood... oh and I’m v e r y bi and single.


	4. Bucky is onto something👀

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shkuhcxegvbkhcc i crave death scbufcbjur

Stevie @americuhsass  
Trump can suck my dick

Bonky @mrjesus  
that’s my job :’(

Iron dad @TStank  
^^^ :’(

Spidey uwu @spiderboi  
Welp! Just gonna go wash my eyes. 

Iron dad @TStank  
Kid you’re like 17

Spidey uwu @spiderboi  
no

I am b a b y 

-

Bonky @mrjesus  
@TStank @americuhsass Do think hydra doesn’t like me because they’re homophobic?

Stevie @americuhsass  
Bucky it’s 3 am go back to sleep 

Shuri @fuckcorsets   
No let him finish....

Spidey uwu @spiderboi  
Share ur wisdom mr. Jesus...


	5. They be attacking Stevie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry i didn’t post last week...  
> School has been kicking my butt :’(

Shuri @smarterthanu  
How did you take down captain America?

Spidey uwu @spiderboi  
I shot him in zee legs because his shield is zee size of a dinner plate, and he’s an idiot 

Stevie @americuhsass  
I feel attached 

Spidey uwu @spiderboi  
As u should

—

Bonky @mrjesus  
Urgh There’s always that one bitch that’s not down with murder

ahsataN @deathpacito  
Yeah it’s so annoying 

Ļ𝕆𝐤𝓲 @snekbastard  
The fucking worst. 

Stevie @americuhsass  
WeLL iM sOrRy sOmE oF uS HaS mOrALs!!!


	6. The lady lovers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo..... my sleep schedule has officially become nonexistent!...

Mj @begaydocrime  
One time when I was 13 I started crying because I realized I couldn’t date all the beautiful women in the world. 

Shuri @smarterthanu  
it izz what it izzzzz💅

ahsataN @deathpacito  
rt 

Pepper @businessqueen  
rt

Wanda @witchybitch   
rt

Maria @agentlesbian  
rt

Hope @alesbianwasp  
rt

Okoye @generallesbian  
rt

Carol @captainlesbian   
rt

Valkyrie @lesbiangod  
rt


	7. Parent Thor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have an biology presentation next week and my anxiety is going trough the roof!

Thor @godofpoptarts  
Can somebody get me a lawyer?

Matt @Murdock  
Hi

Thor @godofpoptarts  
Perfect! now I can adopt you all!

Stevie @americuhsass  
What do you mean by “you all”??

Thor @godofpoptarts  
The whole planet.  
Midgard.  
Earth.

Iron dad @TStank  
Buddy I’m pretty sure it doesn’t work that way

Thor @godofpoptarts  
Don’t talk back to your parent

s o n 

_

We sad @sadsassyboi  
Dude... as an orphan i would like to say, that I would lowkey love to be adopted by Thor....

Alex @damnboiiiii  
Dude same... I don’t even care about that they’re a king and all... I really just wanna be loved.... and I wanna see Asgard

Thor @godofpoptarts  
Splendid! You shall be my children!!

We sad @sadsassyboi  
Sgbufvnjhcxsf hOw diD yOU fiNd tHis????

Thor @godofpoptarts  
The man of spiders showed me!

Alex @damnboiiiii  
Svnhdvnjddvgfd what’s happening???

Alex @damnboiiiii  
Uuh update: Thor is taking me and @sadsassyboi to Asgard for a year!

We sad @sadsassyboi  
Also shout out to my our favorite boi @spiderboi for showing Thor my tweet! <3

Spidey uwu @spiderboi  
Ur welcome :)


	8. Don’t we all?

Spidey uwu @spiderboi  
I crave.... death

Iron dad @TStank  
Don’t we all

ahsataN @deathpacito  
rt

Bonky @mrjesus  
rt

Clit @thefirstbird  
rt

Sam @thebestbird  
rt

Ned :) @gayinthechair  
rt

Mj @begaydocrime  
rt

Wanda @witchybitch   
rt

Ļ𝕆𝐤𝓲 @snekbastard  
rt

Thor @godofpoptarts  
rt

Pepper @businessqueen   
rt

Harley @weareconnected   
rt

Brucie bear @7phdsbitch   
rt

Just ur fav @mercenary   
rt

Shuri @smarterthanu  
rt

T'challa @theogfurry  
rt

Flash @gottagofast  
rt

Rhodey @whoremachine  
rt

Stephen Strange @itsdoctor   
rt

Scotty @tictac  
rt

Carol @captainlesbian   
rt

Valkyrie @lesbiangod  
rt

Maria @agentlesbian  
rt

Okoye @generallesbian  
rt

Hope @alesbianwasp  
rt

Stevie @americuhsass  
That’s it! I’m signing you all up for therapy!!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Idk if u noticed.... but I kinda gave up on the last 5 names.....


	9. Bucky is a dummy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uh so I’m gonna go camping for a week so there won’t be a chapter next week sorry...
> 
> Also I’m looking for a co-creator!  
> So uuh... if you’re interested hit me up!...

Iron dad @TStank  
DVHFGNJGCBHFC BUCKY IS OFFICIALLY A DUMB ASS!!

Bonky @mrjesus  
If u snitch then I will not hesitate take a shit in your left shoe buddy

Iron dad @TStank  
Worth it!

Iron dad @TStank  
Here is a thing that happened today:

Steve: Bucky did u eat all the donuts??

Bucky: no

Steve: I can see the powder on your face 

Bucky, panicking: that’s cocaine

Ļ𝕆𝐤𝓲 @snekbastard  
This is so sad, Valkyrie play that Spanish midgardian song

that bitch @wutthefrickety  
Do you mean despacito?

Ļ𝕆𝐤𝓲 @snekbastard  
Did I stutter???


	10. Sensitive Bitches uwu

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! So it’s been awhile... sorry I didn’t update i was trying to sort some stuff out...
> 
> But I’m back! So enjoy this short little update!

Iron dad @TStank  
Can somebody please tell me why I keep finding fridge magnets in my bed?!

Stevie @americuhsass  
I also found a grocery list?!

Bonky @mrjesus  
that’s my fault... I keep forgetting to take them off before bed

Iron dad @TStank  
wut

Bonky @mrjesus  
@spiderboi keeps putting different magnets on my arm from field trips n stuff

Spidey uwu @spiderboi  
Mr. Jesus says it helps him associate the arm with something else than murder!

ahsataN @deathpacito  
....Why are Steve and tony crying?...


	11. SAVE THE WHALES!!!

Spidey uwu @spiderboi  
I wish I was a whale so when I die, I’ll explode. How cool would that be!!??

Thor @godofpoptarts  
WHALES EXPLODE WHEN THEY DIE?!?!

Spidey uwu @spiderboi  
Yeah, don’t you remember I watch Animal Planet religiously?

Stevie @americuhsass  
Oh yes, everyone at your funeral would love to be completely covered in your organs an bodily fluids. How ceremonial. 

Ļ𝕆𝐤𝓲 @snekbastard  
Actually, that sounds pretty lit

Thor @godofpoptarts  
I need a moment...

_

Thor @godofpoptarts  
SAVE THE WHALES!!!!!!

Stevie @americuhsass  
Thor-

Ļ𝕆𝐤𝓲 @snekbastard  
No, let them tell everyone that we have to save the whales from exploding, it’ll be fun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I-....
> 
> So 3am me decided that it would be a good idea to write down a dream about me and Sebastian Stan....
> 
> So now I just have shitty story with 1000+ words...
> 
> And I don’t know what to do...


	12. Billie Stan Bucky

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bucky is a Billie Eilish stan.  
> You can’t change my mind.

Bonky @mrjesus  
Have y’all seen Steve’s eyes?!?!

Bonky @mrjesus  
@americuhsass  
You really know how to make me cry  
When you gimme those ocean eyes

Bonky @mrjesus  
I'm scared  
I've never fallen from quite this high

Bonky @mrjesus  
Falling into your ocean eyes

Bonky @mrjesus  
Those ocean eyes

Stevie @americuhsass  
Aw buck<3

Spidey uwu @spiderboi  
Did you just quote Billie Eilish to Steve???

Stevie @americuhsass  
Who??

Bonky @mrjesus  
S H U T U P ! ! !

___

Bonky @mrjesus  
Billie Eilish is honestly the most hardworking, successful teenager I know

Spidey uwu @spiderboi  
Bruh I can lift 50 tons???

Bonky @mrjesus  
But can you pay your parents bills?

Spidey uwu @spiderboi  
...

Spidey uwu @spiderboi  
I don’t have parents

Stevie @americuhsass  
BUCKY!!

Bonky @mrjesus  
SHIT IM SO SORRY!! I FORGOT ABOUT THAT PART!!!!!

Spidey uwu @spiderboi  
It’s fine...

Bonky @mrjesus  
Peter stay where you are! I’m coming! We are gonna build a pillow fort!!! Steve get us some snacks!!

Stevie @americuhsass  
Why me?!

Bonky @mrjesus  
S T E V E

Stevie @americuhsass  
Fine! But you owe me!!!

Bonky @mrjesus  
yeah whatever

Mama penny @thefirstvirgin  
So... are we not gonna talk about how Steve just obeyed by Bucky saying his name??? No??


	13. NOT AN UPDATE!

I’m so lost for words....

  
  
Rest In Power, King😔❤️


	14. Are you ok?

Ļ𝕆𝐤𝓲 @snekbastard  
How come cats can sleep sixteen hours a day, but when I do people say I have “depression”

Thor @godofpoptarts  
It’s because you do have depression...

___

Ļ𝕆𝐤𝓲 @snekbastard  
Why would I pay for therapy, when stabbing someone is free? 

Thor @godofpoptarts  
We’ve talked about this Loki.

___

Ļ𝕆𝐤𝓲 @snekbastard  
Once I get my shit together, get a good night’s sleep, beat my depression, and show up on time, it’s all over for you guys!

___

Ļ𝕆𝐤𝓲 @snekbastard  
“Ladies and gentlemen” is unnecessary gendered, overly formal, lengthy, and honestly, I’m falling asleep already.

Ļ𝕆𝐤𝓲 @snekbastard  
“Cowards”, on the other hand, is inclusive to all genders, to the point, and appropriately dramatic for my purposes.

___

Brad @sickshades  
Are you a man or a woman?

Ļ𝕆𝐤𝓲 @snekbastard  
A royalty.

Brad @sickshades  
No, I mean, what were you born as?

Ļ𝕆𝐤𝓲 @snekbastard  
A problem.

___

Ļ𝕆𝐤𝓲 @snekbastard  
As long as I strike terror into the hearts of my enemies what does it matter what my “gender” is.

Ļ𝕆𝐤𝓲 @snekbastard  
I don’t identify as “male” or “female” I identify as a threat 

___

Ļ𝕆𝐤𝓲 @snekbastard  
Sometimes I don’t think about stabbing anyone for a few minutes, and then I reach crisis point because I realise I am forgetting about my roots. My passions. My will to live. My true self.

Sam @thebestbird  
My sanity?

___

Spidey uwu @spiderboi  
Mr. Loki are you ok?

Ļ𝕆𝐤𝓲 @snekbastard  
To be honest? No❤️

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the comments and kudos!!  
> They really keep me going!!❤️


	15. Run bitch

Wanda @witchybitch  
Ok, let’s see if you understood what I told you: what do you do if you ask Tony if you can do something and he says “yes”?

Spidey uwu @spiderboi  
I ask Bucky, to make sure. If Bucky says “no”, then I shouldn’t do it. 

Wanda @witchybitch  
Good. What if Bucky says “yes”?

Spidey uwu @spiderboi  
I ask Sam. If Sam says “no”, then i shouldn’t do it. 

Wanda @witchybitch  
what if Sam says “yes”?

Spidey uwu @spiderboi  
I ask Steve. If Steve says “no”, then I shouldn’t do it. 

Wanda @witchybitch  
And if he says “yes”?

Spidey uwu @spiderboi  
I then ask Rhodey. If Rhodey says “no”, then I shouldn’t do it. 

Wanda @witchybitch  
And if he says “yes”?

Spidey uwu @spiderboi  
Then I can do it, since Rhodey is the only truly functional adult here. 

Wanda @witchybitch  
Perfect. 

___

Wanda @witchybitch  
Honestly Natasha Romanoff can suffocate me with her thighs and my ghost would thank her. 

Clit @thefirstbird  
Girl i-

___

Wanda @witchybitch  
@deathpacito Do you think I’m needy??

ahsataN @deathpacito  
Babe you’re the definition of needy.  
Remember that one time you called me at three in the morning while I was on a mission just to make sure we were still together?

Wanda @witchybitch  
:(

ahsataN @deathpacito  
But it’s ok because it’s one of the many reasons I love you!!

Wanda @witchybitch  
:)

___

ahsataN @deathpacito  
I will snap your neck. 

Wanda @witchybitch  
Huh??

ahsataN @deathpacito  
Not meant for you babes<3

Wanda @witchybitch  
Oh ok<3

Clit @thefirstbird  
Is it meant for me??

ahsataN @deathpacito  
You took the last oatmeal cookie. 

ahsataN @deathpacito  
Run bitch.


	16. It’s been a while...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yo! Sorry I haven’t posted in a while... I don’t even have an excuse... but I’m back now!!

Iron dad @TStank  
Sleeping is nice because you’re not actually dead and you’re not actually awake, so it’s a win-win situation. 

Brucie bear @7phdsbitch   
It’s like being dead without the commitment. 

ahsataN @deathpacito  
An open relationship with death

Wanda @witchybitch   
Death with benefits. 

Sam @thebestbird  
An every night stand. 

Stevie @americuhsass  
Keep talking, gays. You wouldn’t think sleep was that appealing if you were stuck like that for 70 years. 

Stevie @americuhsass  
Wait it was supposed to say “guys”

ahsataN @deathpacito  
Does it really matter?

___

Spidey uwu @spiderboi  
There is nothing bigger than nonexistent my dick

Shuri @smarterthanu  
ur dysphoria

Bonky @mrjesus  
ur insecurities

Ļ𝕆𝐤𝓲 @snekbastard  
ur depression

Spidey uwu @spiderboi  
ok wig

___

Bonky @mrjesus  
Can we just take a moment to appreciate Steve Rodgers and Tony Stardk

Sam @thebestbird  
Did you just spell your own boyfriends names wrong?

Bonky @mrjesus  
What are you talking about?   
I always put the D in there

Stevie @americuhsass  
B U C K Y

Iron dad @TStank  
ha true

___

Iron dad @TStank  
Man, my ass hurts

Sam @thebestbird  
@mrjesus @americuhsass 👀

Clit @thefirstbird  
@mrjesus @americuhsass 👀

ahsataN @deathpacito  
@mrjesus @americuhsass 👀

Spidey uwu @spiderboi  
@mrjesus @americuhsass 👀

Stevie @americuhsass  
Why are y’all looking at us?!?!

Bonky @mrjesus  
You all saw him slip and fall five minutes ago?!?!

Spidey uwu @spiderboi  
Yeah yeah whatever but let’s not skip over the fact that Steve said “y’all”

Stevie @americuhsass  
It just slipped out...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Imma be sad if you didn’t get the reference :(


	17. *Violently adds another chapter*

Ned :) @gayinthechair

Hey! If you use the word “violently” to describe an action, I becomes funnier!

Thor @godofpoptarts

Violently sleeps

Brucie bear @7phdsbitch 

Violently studies 

Bonky @mrjesus

Violently bakes

ahsataN @deathpacito

Violently murders

Stevie @americuhsass

Violently worries about the last one

___

Spidey uwu @spiderboi

We can’t alter the past nor can we gaze upon the future, the only thing we can do is live in the present

Spidey uwu @spiderboi

And that is why I’ve decided to put my furby in a blender, fuck u all for coming to my Ted talk. 

Iron dad @TStank

I’ve officially given up on my child

Pepper @businessqueen 

Says the one eating popcorn with a fork in the hot tub

Stevie @americuhsass

Again??

Bonky @mrjesus

I’ll go get him 

___

Thor @godofpoptarts

Nose

Thor @godofpoptarts

haha I just typed “Nose” with my nose :)

Iron dad @TStank

Finger

Thor @godofpoptarts

Nice 

ahsataN @deathpacito

Boob

Thor @godofpoptarts

umm ok...

Ļ 𝕆𝐤𝓲 @snekbastard

Lungs

Thor @godofpoptarts

Loki?

Thor @godofpoptarts

LOKI??

Thor @godofpoptarts

LOKI ARE YOU OKAY????

___

Bonky @mrjesus

omg Tony’s so pretty...

Stevie @americuhsass

yeah and his hair is so soft and silky

Sam @thebestbird

Oh no who let them have their phones back?!?!?

Clit @thefirstbird

I think it was Nat?

Sam @thebestbird

Damn it!

Scott @tictactoe

Hold up! What’s going on?

ahsataN @deathpacito

Steve and Bucky are drunk. 

Scott @tictactoe

I thought they couldn’t get drunk because of the serum?

ahsataN @deathpacito

Thor brought some asgardian booze for a party and our favorite super soldiers are now _very_ drunk

Clit @thefirstbird

\+ Tony

ahsataN @deathpacito

oh right how could I forget about favorite  _also_ very drunk billionaire. 

Bonky @mrjesus

And his wonderful eyes are the color of delicious chocolate

Stevie @americuhsass

And his face is beautiful and so so kind...

Bonky @mrjesus

But don’t tell him that, okay? It’s a secret!

Stevie @americuhsass

A big secret!

Iron dad @TStank

Of course. Your secret is safe with me!

Scott @tictactoe

Aren’t they dating??

Sam @thebestbird

yeah....

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter!
> 
> Let me know if you like it! ;P


	18. Fa la la la la la la la la!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Consider this an early Christmas present! And if you don’t celebrate Christmas then it’s just a late birthday gift!

Spidey uwu @spiderboi  
Deck the halls with crippling depression   
Fa la la la la la la la la

Iron dad @TStank  
Tis the season for emotional suppression  
Fa la la la la la la la la

Spidey uwu @spiderboi  
Your families dead and so is mine  
Fa la la la la la la la la

Iron dad @TStank  
Don’t look scared Steve, I swear where fine!   
Fa la la la la la la la la

Stevie @americuhsass  
Are you guys okay? You’re smiling but I’m still worried 

Spidey uwu @spiderboi  
Yeah where fine! Didn’t you listen to the song?

___

Wanda @witchybitch  
Good morning, gays. What wisdom do you bring on this fine December morning?

Iron dad @TStank  
Time isn’t real

Stevie @americuhsass  
Tony and Bucky are cute

Bonky @mrjesus  
Pizza is good

Wanda @witchybitch  
Thank you, gays

___

Brucie bear @7phdsbitch   
If I have to listen to “All I Want For Christmas” one more time...   
I WILL FUCKING LOSE MY SHIT

Thor @godofpoptarts  
You’re cute when you’re angry

Brucie bear @7phdsbitch   
I’m always angry 

Thor @godofpoptarts  
I know

Brucie bear @7phdsbitch   
....oh

___

Spidey uwu @spiderboi  
Could someone please take me out?  
With a gun.   
Please. 

Iron dad @TStank  
Jesus Spidey, you sound like you’ve had a rough day, what happened??

Spidey uwu @spiderboi  
Finals happened

Iron dad @TStank  
Kid-

Spidey uwu @spiderboi  
On the bright side tho, I haven’t slept in 69 hours 

Iron dad @TStank  
And how’s that good?

Spidey uwu @spiderboi  
69

Iron dad @TStank  
Kiddo....

Spidey uwu @spiderboi  
Just leave me alone to wallow in my despair!!

Iron dad @TStank  
Ok... you want some mac n’ cheese to go with that despair?

Spidey uwu @spiderboi  
................. yes please.


	19. Can’t wait for my FUNeral...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is that.... another chapter?!?!

Iron dad @TStank  
Why do people want quiet funerals?

Iron dad @TStank  
When I die I want my ashes mixed with glitter and packed tightly into my coffin along with explosives 

Rhodey @whoremachine  
Tony you can’t do that

Iron dad @TStank  
So when it blows up, glitter rains down on everyone while “thanks for the memories” by Fall Out Boys plays. 

Rhodey @whoremachine  
That’s not funny

Spidey uwu @spiderboi  
I thought it was funny.

Rhodey @whoremachine  
You don’t count. You once started laughing in the middle of a funeral because you started thinking of a meme you saw on Facebook. 

Spidey uwu @spiderboi  
It’s called a FUNeral for a reason

Rhodey @whoremachine  
Jesus Christ...

___

Clit @thefirstbird  
Isn’t it weird that people kill mosquitoes just because they’re annoying?

Clit @thefirstbird  
Imagine if people did that to other people?  
I would’ve been dead years ago

Scott @tictac  
Amen brother 

___

Clit @thefirstbird  
Don’t mind me! Just microwaving some coffee!

ahsataN @deathpacito  
You really did give up on getting your life together.

Clit @thefirstbird  
I mean... yeah 

___

Iron dad @TStank  
Can somebody tell me why @spiderboi is spying on me?

Spidey uwu @spiderboi  
I’m not spying on you!

Iron dad @TStank  
Then why are you hiding on the ceiling and taking pictures of me?

Spidey uwu @spiderboi  
...It’s a school assignment with @gayinthechair and @begaydocrime

Mj @begaydocrime  
We have to monitor a species native to the area. Then write a report on it’s survival habits. 

Ned :) @gayinthechair  
So we decided that the tower would give us the the best view of our subjects. 

Iron dad @TStank  
And what creatures could you possibly be studying here?

Mj @begaydocrime  
Dumbass, major muscle, superheroes. 

Spidey uwu @spiderboi  
It’s really quite interesting. The pictures I’ve gotten so far... they’re really something else. 

Ned :) @gayinthechair  
So far we’ve seen Bucky accidentally rip the door of the hinges twice, Thor accuse five different objects of being Loki 

Mj @begaydocrime  
Clint falling out of the air vent for fifth time in a row, Sam trying to put hello kitty magnets on Bucky’s arm, and Steve muttering “God, just kill me now” for ten minutes straight. 

Spidey uwu @spiderboi  
And it’s alllll been photographed. 

Mj @begaydocrime  
No signs of intelligence in male species.


	20. Woah calm down Jamal!

Brucie bear @7phdsbitch   
I think I’m gonna inject some vitamin gummy’s with vodka

Iron dad @TStank  
I’m glad you’re using your medical degree for some good for once

___

Ned :) @gayinthechair  
Petition to change "who is the man/woman in the relationship" to "which one you says 'bruh' and which one says 'hi'"

Shuri @smarterthanu  
I say both tho, so fuck me i guess

Ned :) @gayinthechair  
That's definitely Mj's job 

Mj @begaydocrime  
👀

___

Spidey uwu @spiderboi  
I had dissect a cow eye in science class today. It’s was d i s g u s t i n g 

Ļ𝕆𝐤𝓲 @snekbastard  
Yikes. The only thing I’ve ever dissected was a human 

Spidey uwu @spiderboi  
You W H A T 

___

Sam @thebestbird  
Who the FUCK ate the last goddamn hot pocket 

Bonky @mrjesus  
Me, you bird brain bitch. What’re you gonna do about it? I’m an assassin. Try me. 

Spidey uwu @spiderboi  
Woah calm Jamal! Don’t pull out the nine!

___

Bonky @mrjesus  
None of my boyfriends are home and I forgot the English word for this thing and it’s bAD.

Spidey uwu @spiderboi  
I WILL ASSIST??

Bonky @mrjesus  
You know that little sea bug with the stupid hands and it has a home but it changes homes sometimes?

Spidey uwu @spiderboi  
Hermit crab???

Bonky @mrjesus  
THATS THE BITCH

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That last one was a real ass conversation between my friend and I


	21. Loki is secretly soft for all zodiac signs pass it on

Ļ𝕆𝐤𝓲 @snekbastard  
I’m going to eliminate all cancers 

Iron dad @TStank  
Good luck 

Ļ𝕆𝐤𝓲 @snekbastard  
Then the Virgos

Iron dad @TStank  
I-

Hazel @cha-cha  
I’m a Pisces, please just kill me cause I’m such a damn hoe

Ļ𝕆𝐤𝓲 @snekbastard  
*softly pat pat* no little fishy

Aidan @aceking  
I’m cancer, down I go :)

Ļ𝕆𝐤𝓲 @snekbastard  
I feel like I need to make a statement that no fishy’s, crabs, goats nor any other beings associated with this astrological thing you mortals believe were harmed in the making of the tweet.   
In fact they are mine now.   
I adopted them. 

Iron dad @TStank  
Loki you can’t just adopt an entire race!

Ļ𝕆𝐤𝓲 @snekbastard  
I just did. 

That bitch @wutthefrickety  
I’m a Scorpio. Can I... ya know. Go bye bye please?

Ļ𝕆𝐤𝓲 @snekbastard  
You really wanna do this?

Ļ𝕆𝐤𝓲 @snekbastard  
Okay, throw up those baby hands. C’mon. 

That bitch @wutthefrickety  
*slowly starts to raise baby hands*

Ļ𝕆𝐤𝓲 @snekbastard  
Very good, now come here and let me hug you, you tiny pincher

Unus @memmento_mori  
I’m a Scorpio too..

Can... can I have a Loki hug?

Ļ𝕆𝐤𝓲 @snekbastard  
@memmento_mori one Loki hug coming in hot, prepare yourself!

Rawr @dinomommy  
I’m a Pisces, can i please be launched into the sun?

Ļ𝕆𝐤𝓲 @snekbastard  
Would you look at that, my launching into the sun machine is suddenly broken. How mysterious. 

Maria @sucking_juice  
I’m Aquarius can I please get a hug?

Ļ𝕆𝐤𝓲 @snekbastard  
*wraps you up in a bear hug*  
Of course you can @sucking_juice

Agnes Hargreeves @a_hargreeves  
*whispers* I’m a Taurus 

Ļ𝕆𝐤𝓲 @snekbastard  
*whispers* is that supposed to stop me?  
*gives hug*

Nat @ohforkme  
Loki is secretly soft for all zodiac signs pass it on

Ļ𝕆𝐤𝓲 @snekbastard  
It was never a secret. 

Meg @chickenstriip  
Loki I’m a Libra. Should I disappear into the abyss of sadness?

Ļ𝕆𝐤𝓲 @snekbastard  
Not today @chickenstriip

Meg @chickenstriip  
Oh ok. How about tomorrow then? Or maybe next Thursday? *checks calendar*

Ļ𝕆𝐤𝓲 @snekbastard  
Can’t. We’re busy @chickenstriip

Meg @chickenstriip  
May I ask what we’re busy with?

Ļ𝕆𝐤𝓲 @snekbastard  
Cuddling 

Hail hydrogen @physicsbby   
What about Sagittarius? Would you kill a centaur? Cause they are not really innocent like the others...

Ļ𝕆𝐤𝓲 @snekbastard  
*stares at you to try and comprehend what you just said, because never in my 1000+ years have I heard such a false accusation* no.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m not really feeling a connection with Stuckony anymore...  
> Any thoughts if I change it to Stucky?


	22. I wouldn’t mind some nuggets rn...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So after some thinking I’ve decided that...  
> *insert drumroll*  
> I will change it to Stucky!!  
> And I will add Pepperony (mostly because I rewatched the Ironman movies and was reminded of who my second favorite redhead is)   
> And if you have a problem with any of these ships you can kindly fuck off : )

Clit @thefirstbird  
Look, sometimes you just have to fulfill the higher tiers of your pyramid of needs okay?

ahsataN @deathpacito  
And that's why you're wearing sunglasses in the bathtub while being fully clothed and eating chicken nuggets out of a wine glass?

Clit @thefirstbird  
See, now you're getting it! Could you please come hand me a box of   
capri-suns?

___

Spidey uwu @spiderboi  
Mr. Steve, what’s the stupidest thing you’ve ever done?

Stevie @americuhsass  
Fought guys twice my size in back alleys before the serum, jumped on a grenade, flew an airplane into the sea

Stevie @americuhsass  
Jumped out of a different airplane without a parachute, attacked an intergalactic purple alien using only my fists and lots of other stuff as well

Spidey uwu @spiderboi  
Thank u Mr. Steve but I only needed one

Spidey uwu @spiderboi  
Okay, Mr. Jesus, what about you? What’s the stupidest thing you’ve ever done?

Bonky @mrjesus  
...Steve apparently 

___

Iron dad @TStank  
I’m legit a piece of trash 

Pepper @businessqueen  
Seeing as I’m a person who cares deeply about the environment, would you like me to pick you up at 7?

Iron dad @TStank  
damn ok

___

Bonky @mrjesus  
FOUR MONTHS 

Sam @thebestbird  
It’s not that big of a deal!

Brucie bear @7phdsbitch  
I’m confused, what’s happening????

Bonky @mrjesus  
SAM GIFTED ME A FAKE PLANT AND WATCHED ME WATER IT

Bonky @mrjesus  
FOR F O U R MONTHS 

Sam @thebestbird  
You were so kind to that plant tho

Bonky @mrjesus  
IT’S MADE OF PLASTIC 

Sam @thebestbird  
Drama queen 

Bonky @mrjesus  
Don’t speak to me 

Sam @thebestbird  
When will you be ready to talk to me again?

Bonky @mrjesus  
n e v e r 

Sam @thebestbird  
So like an hour?

Bonky @mrjesus  
... two


	23. DOUBLE BURN BBY

Spidey uwu @spiderboi  
I’m a very tough person, nothing can break me. I don’t even remember the last time cried

Iron dad @TStank  
You legit cried an hour ago when you accidentally stepped on Lucky’s tail

Spidey uwu @spiderboi  
hE DidN’t dEsErVe tHat, i BeTrAyEd HiS tRuSt!

Shuri @smarterthanu  
You also FaceTimed me yesterday sobbing over dragons

Spidey uwu @spiderboi  
tHeY cAn’T bLoW oUt ThEir biRtHdAy cHaNdLeS!

Spidey uwu @spiderboi  
But other than that I’m very tough! I just have two weaknesses!!

Ned :) @gayinthechair  
*gets scared by text notifications when they’re too loud*

Shuri @smarterthanu  
*easily startled when people taps him on the shoulder*

Mj @begaydocrime  
*cries under any sort of pressure ever*

Iron dad @TStank  
*cries when anyone raises their voice one octave higher than their average volume*

Iron dad @TStank  
So tough, so very, very, tough. 

Spidey uwu @spiderboi  
I’m feeling very attacked...

Mj @begaydocrime  
Good. 

___

Thor @godofpoptarts  
How much for the horse tornado?

Brucie bear @7phdsbitch   
The w h a t 

Thor @godofpoptarts  
THE. HORSE. TORNADO. 

Brucie bear @7phdsbitch   
Do you mean a carousel?

Thor @godofpoptarts  
Yes.   
I must have it. 

___

Iron dad @TStank  
I feel like my brain was blended and then poured back in my head 

Pepper @businessqueen  
I think you’re finally feeling the effects of lasts nights party

Iron dad @TStank  
All I drank was Redbull!

Pepper @businessqueen  
How many?

Iron dad @TStank  
. . . Eighteen 

Pepper @businessqueen  
Sounds about right. 

___

that bitch @wutthefrickety  
So @mrjesus @americuhsass which one of you guys is the big spoon and which one is the little spoon?

Bonky @mrjesus  
Neither

that bitch @wutthefrickety  
H u h 

Stevie @americuhsass  
We’re chopsticks 

that bitch @wutthefrickety  
You know what? That’s honestly kinda cute!

Bonky @mrjesus  
It is not 

Stevie @americuhsass  
It just means that if either one of us are separated, the only thing the other is good for is stabbing. 

that bitch @wutthefrickety  
Umm ok

ahsataN @deathpacito  
Bucky is the big spoon and Steve’s the little spoon

Bonky @mrjesus  
Goddammit Nat!!

___

Brad @nohomobro  
You know, ladies, putting on makeup isn’t gonna make you any prettier 

ahsataN @deathpacito  
And being a dick isn’t gonna make yours any bigger. 

Clit @thefirstbird  
OOOOOOHH SHE BURNED YOU SON

Stevie @americuhsass  
Ha nice

Brad @nohomobro  
Shut the f up you where literally asleep in the ice for 70 years

Stevie @americuhsass  
And yet I’m more woke than you

Clit @thefirstbird  
OOOOOHHH DAMN DOUBLE BURN BBY


	24. An assassin bug :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have y’all watched Wandavison??? Because that shit is g o o d

ahsataN @deathpacito  
Small creatures are way more vicious. It’s because there’s less room to contain their anger. 

Clit @thefirstbird  
That’s ridiculous, name one example. 

Brucie bear @7phdsbitch   
Wasps

Spidey uwu @spiderboi  
Spiders 

Thor @godofpoptarts  
Terriers

Ļ𝕆𝐤𝓲 @snekbastard  
Tony 

Iron dad @TStank  
I will ruin you completely you greasy ass bitch 

Ļ𝕆𝐤𝓲 @snekbastard  
See?

Iron dad @TStank  
I swear to god Loki I will not hesitate to strangle you

Ļ𝕆𝐤𝓲 @snekbastard  
Can you even reach my neck?

—

Spidey uwu @spiderboi  
I want I boyfriend so bad right now...  
I just have zero communication skills when comes to boys 

ahsataN @deathpacito  
It’s easy. It’s just like talking to girls, but you have to use smaller words. 

Spidey uwu @spiderboi  
I’m just afraid I’m gonna say something stupid...  
Or hurt their feelings...

ahsataN @deathpacito  
Hurt their feel— do you just walk around all day thinking about other people’s feelings?

Spidey uwu @spiderboi  
Yeah. Don’t you?

ahsataN @deathpacito  
No. How do you get anything done? 

Spidey uwu @spiderboi  
I don’t. 

—

Wanda @witchybitch  
I got called a lesbian in Walmart today 

Sam @thebestbird  
Tell us what happened 

Wanda @witchybitch  
I got called a lesbian in Walmart 

Iron dad @TStank  
Yeah, but why?

Wanda @witchybitch  
I was being a lesbian. 

Stevie @americuhsass  
In Walmart?

Wanda @witchybitch  
Yeah, it was in Walmart 

Iron dad @TStank  
But w h y?!?! You know what, don’t even answer that

—

Spidey uwu @spiderboi  
Not to sound like a golden retriever on the main, but the feeling when someone praises me for something I did?

Spidey uwu @spiderboi  
Indestructible. 

—

Clit @thefirstbird  
Random question of today to annoy Natasha! Hey @deathpacito what’s your spirit animal?

Clit @thefirstbird  
Hey @deathpacito answer the question 

Clit @thefirstbird  
@deathpacito pleeeeeeease

ahsataN @deathpacito  
There’s this thing called an Assassin Bug that wears the corpses of its prey like a backpack. After stabbing its prey and sucking out the innards, it attaches the corpses to its back and uses them as camouflage and armor. 

Clit @thefirstbird  
I thought you where just going to say a kitten or something bUT CHRIST ON A CRACKER WHAT KIND OF ANIMAL WOULD DO THAT

ahsataN @deathpacito  
An assassin bug :)


	25. Absolutely not.

Bonky @mrjesus  
My advice for a haunting? Every time something creepy happens, turn in the direction of whatever it was, pause a moment, then slowly lick your lips and say “Do it again” in your most seductive voice.   
The ghost will feel awkward and leave immediately. 

Stevie @americuhsass  
But what if the ghost makes advances back?? I won’t have a plan then!

Clit @thefirstbird  
What if the ghost does it back?

Wanda @witchybitch  
What if it’s a horny ghost??

ahsataN @deathpacito  
Then fuck the ghost, you cowards

Bonky @mrjesus  
Exactly. 

___

Spidey uwu @spiderboi  
Just to avoid accidentally using offensive language I’m going to start using 90s surfer dude slangs because inadvertently offending someone is totally bogus dude

Shuri @smarterthanu  
People might not want to be called “dude”

Spidey uwu @spiderboi  
You are radically right and that is so not tubular my friend! I apologize 

Iron dad @TStank  
I find 90s surfer slangs to be very offensive to my ears

Spidey uwu @spiderboi  
Watch catch this gnarly wave of I don’t care

___

Clit @thefirstbird  
Um why is my bow in the refrigerator?

ahsataN @deathpacito  
Last night you said “This is really gonna confuse me tomorrow”  
Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you

Clit @thefirstbird  
This explains so much. 

___

Wanda @witchybitch  
Why do people always ask me if I’m okay when I’m lying on the floor?

Wanda @witchybitch  
Yes, I’m okay. I’m living my best life!

Wanda @witchybitch  
Can’t a girl just lie on the floor and stare blankly at the ceiling 1970s Swedish pop sensation ABBA sing Dancing Queen? I’m having new time. 

___

Iron dad @TStank  
I would do anything for you, Pep

Iron dad @TStank  
You want the moon? I’ll get it for you. 

Pepper @businessqueen   
I want you to eat three meals a day and have a regular sleeping schedule. 

Iron dad @TStank  
Absolutely not.


End file.
